6 Pillars of Self-Love- Start Here!

“You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.”
Myth.
You can love someone else—but only to the depth that you love and accept yourself.

“Love yourself first and the rest will follow.”
Truth.
The good stuff comes from within. When you cultivate love, peace, and acceptance inside of you, your external world begins to reflect that.

But what is self-love, really?

So many people confuse self-love with self-care—cue the bubble baths and “treat yo’self” culture. While self-care is a part of self-love, they are not one and the same.

I’ve soaked in hundreds of bubble baths and indulged in my fair share of treats. None of it made me love myself more.

Self-love is deeper. It’s a practice—a way of being. And I’ve narrowed it down to six key pillars:

The Six Core Practices of Self-Love:

1. Releasing the past—yourself and others

2. Overcoming limiting beliefs and fear-based thinking

3. Setting boundaries

4. Authenticity

5. Integrity

6. Self-regulation

1. Releasing the Past

Psychologically, obsessing over the past is draining and counterproductive. You can’t change what happened, and constantly replaying it wastes precious energy.

Spiritually, when you revisit painful moments, you energetically put yourself back in that state. That energy impacts your body chemistry—lowering your immune system, increasing stress, and affecting your physical health. (It’s no coincidence that many trauma survivors struggle with chronic illness or immune dysfunction.)

The truth is: your past is not happening anymore. Whether it was five days ago or five years ago, carrying it doesn’t serve you.

Forgiveness is powerful—not for them, for you. It’s a gift you give yourself. Release the energy because you deserve peace. When you’re ready, you can even forgive the other person—in your heart. That, too, is liberation. And liberation is powerful.

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” – Eckhart Tolle

Releasing the past is an act of self-love. It says:
“I’ve suffered enough. I deserve to feel good now.”

2. Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

“When you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is your birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.”
– Brené Brown

Let’s talk about that voice in your head. The one that’s constantly narrating your day. You know the one.

It’s not going away—but the game changes when you realize:
You don’t have to believe everything it says.

That voice wasn’t always there. As kids, we believed in ourselves. We were astronauts, princesses, superheroes. Limitless.

But as we grew, well-meaning (and sometimes harmful) adults, communities, religious teachings, and painful experiences began to shape our beliefs. We formed meanings based on who did or didn’t love us, who left, and what we achieved—or didn’t.

But here’s the thing:
Those beliefs weren’t facts.
They were inherited ideas—someone else’s truth, not necessarily yours.

Once you realize your beliefs are not fixed, everything changes. You start to reclaim your power. You can choose new thoughts. When that inner voice says, “You’re not good enough,” you can say, “Actually, I am. And I always was.”

Trauma didn’t diminish your worth. It didn’t tarnish your soul.

Remembering your value—and speaking to yourself from that place—is one of the most powerful forms of self-love. Knowing you deserve good things, a peaceful life, a happy existence— these things are your birthright- and remembering this changes the game.

The voice will always be there. But you get to decide which voice you believe:
The voice of fear and limitation, or the voice of truth and love.

3. Boundaries

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

– Brené Brown

Ah, boundaries—so often misunderstood, even by those of us who are doing the inner work.

I used to struggle with them, too. But now, I like to think of boundaries as guardrails. Whether you're driving on a winding highway or bowling with the bumpers up, guardrails create structure. Sure, they might remove a little chaos (and sometimes, a little thrill), but they keep you on track—and the outcome is usually better.

Boundaries work the same way.

Sometimes they look like saying no to things that feel good in the moment—drinking, impulsive spending, casual hookups, skipping work—for the sake of long-term benefits like clarity, health, self-respect, savings, and career stability.

Other times, it’s about saying no to people or situations that leave you feeling depleted—and saying yes to the things that nourish you. Think: moving your body, going to bed earlier, flossing (yep, even that counts).

And then there are the hard ones:
The boundaries that require you to walk away from a job, relationship, or friendship that mostly meets your needs—but deep down, you know it isn’t aligned. It might not be “bad,” but it’s not right for you anymore.

That kind of boundary-setting is tough. But it’s also powerful.

Because choosing what’s right for your well-being—even when it’s uncomfortable—is a radical act of self-love.

Holding your truth. Honoring your energy. Staying loyal to the person you’re becoming. That’s what boundaries are really about.

4. Authenticity

Authenticity means showing up as your truest self—moment by moment—unshaken by others’ opinions and grounded in your own joy and fulfillment.

When self-love is lacking, we search for validation outside of ourselves. And in that search, we often hide our truth—afraid that if we show who we really are, we won’t be loved or accepted.

When we’re constantly seeking approval, it’s like going to war without armor.
Every rejection feels like a deep wound.
Every betrayal feels like a kind of death.

But when self-love is strong, everything changes.

Yes, rejection may still sting—but we no longer see it as a reflection of our worth. Instead, we understand that every “no thank you” is guiding us closer to the authentic “hell yes” connections. The moments when we feel fully aligned with ourselves are liberating—and when that authenticity meets someone else’s? Pure magic.

A self-loving person knows that being real is the only way to experience real connection. They understand that their authenticity—their perfectly imperfect truth—is a gift, both to themselves and the world.

Because real love, real joy, and real life can only exist when we are fully, unapologetically ourselves.

5. Integrity

Integrity means choosing what’s right over what’s comfortable.
It’s doing the hard thing—even when the wrong thing feels easier, more fun, or more convenient.

Integrity is when the mind, body, soul, and your personal values are all in agreement.

When we lose sight of integrity, we begin to make choices that don’t align with our true nature—which is love—or with our personal values. These misaligned choices often lead to guilt, regret, or shame.

And while mistakes are a natural part of being human—and that shame or regret can and should be released—continuing to act out of alignment without reflection or repair leads to a buildup of self-resentment.

“Integrity is a life where your beliefs and intentions are aligned with your words and actions.” – Stephen Lovegrove

And here’s the truth:
There can be no deep self-love when we’re holding shame or resentment toward ourselves.

When we repeatedly abandon our integrity, we chip away at our own self-trust. Without trust, it becomes harder to forgive ourselves, and even harder to believe in our ability to change.

Integrity is the foundation of self-trust.
Self-trust creates inner safety.
And only from that place can real self-love flourish.

When you honor your integrity—even in the small moments—you’re telling yourself:
“I can count on me.”
And that might be the most loving thing you can ever do.

6. Self-Regulation

Learning to work with your nervous system is essential to practicing self-love. To truly love ourselves, we must be able to recognize how our body feels and learn to self-soothe in healthy, sustainable ways.

If you’ve spent a long time living in a constant state of fight-or-flight, that heightened stress response becomes your baseline. It becomes difficult to recognize other feelings in the body. And when you're living out of alignment with your true self—neglecting your authenticity and integrity—it’s common to feel dysregulated or even disconnected, like you’re not at home in your own body.

The first step in healing your nervous system is releasing the stored tension and negative energy so you can reconnect with what calm actually feels like.

For me, that journey started with long walks. After several miles, I began to feel my body soften. My thoughts slowed. My breath deepened. Over time, walking has become a daily ritual—and slowly, my baseline shifted from anxious to calm. Once calm became familiar, I could begin to notice how different people, environments, foods, and emotions impacted me. That awareness was the beginning of getting to know myself all over again.

This is the heart of self-regulation: the ability to notice what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. When you can listen to your body’s cues, you can set better boundaries, make more aligned choices, and surround yourself with what supports your well-being.

Self-love begins by coming back into your body—by learning to hear its whispers, honor its signals, and respond with care. Your body is always speaking to you. Self-regulation is simply learning to listen and knowing how to regain balance after dysregulation.

It may feel impossible right now, but through these practices, I promise—you can learn to love yourself again. You can feel good in your body, in your mind, and in your life. Self-love is a commitment worth making—and it’s one you deeply deserve.

When you begin to release the past, reconnect with your body, forgive, reclaim your worth, and live with integrity and authenticity, something beautiful happens. You may be flooded with emotion—a grief for all the years spent disconnected from yourself, and a profound gratitude that you’ve returned home to you. And the best part? You have the rest of your life to live from this place.

As you raise the bar for how you feel, what you accept, and how you show up, your relationships, friendships, and opportunities will begin to shift. What no longer aligns will naturally fall away—and what’s meant for the ‘new’ you will rise to meet you.

When you truly believe that you deserve better, you begin to attract better—not just through intention, but through aligned action.

Have faith in yourself. You’ve already survived so much. Now it’s time to thrive.
The best is yet to come—
And you are so worthy of every bit of it.